Our unresolved feelings suddenly come out not just when we fall in love but actually at the times when we are feeling really happy, and loved. At these positive times, couples may accidentally get into fight when it seems they will are in happy mood.
Most properly it happen when couple experience new things that generate happiness such as when they move into a new home, renovation, attend a graduation, celebrating a birthday, receive presents, go on a vacation, finish a assignment, going out to watch new movie, buy a new car, proposal for marriage with partner, make a lot of money, get a promotion, decide to spend a lot of funds, or making a lot of money.
During all of these special functions one or both partners may suddenly feel unexplained moods and reactions. Normally, they feel upset when either before, during, or right after the functions. It may be very insightful and meaningful of special functions for you and it also will reflect on how your parents experienced these functions as well as reflect on how you have experienced thesefunctions in your relationships.
The 90/10 Principle Of Happiness
By understanding how past unresolved feelings come out, it is easy to understand why we always being hurt by our partners. When we are unhappy, about 90 % of the unhappy is generated from our past and has nothing to do with what we currently thinking. Generally only about 10 % of our unhappy is something to do with our present experience.
For example, when our partner seems have critical of us and it hurt our feelings a little. But because we are mature enough we are can understand that they don’t mean to critical us or maybe we see that they had a bad day. This understanding can avoid their criticism from being too painful and prevent us don’t take it too personally. However when this criticism is continually occur it can be very painful and generated wounded feeling. As a result we are more exposed to our partner’s criticism due to the injured feeling from our past. It is painful because as a child we were criticized severely and partner’s criticism even more painful because it triggers our past feels as well.
During our childhood, we were not able to understand things because we were still native and we take all criticism, scold, and blame personally and blindly. When all these unresolved feelings from underage memory are coming up, we easily think that our partner’s comments as criticism, rejection, and blame towards us. Having adult discussions at these times is hard because everything seem to be misunderstood. When our partner seems critical on us, 10 % of our respond basic their effect on us and 90 % were basic to our past.
Let say, someone accidentally and gently bumping into you and hint your arm but you doesn’t hurt that much, right. Now assume that you have an open injury then someone starts hint at it or bumps into you, it sure feels pain. In the concept that appeals here, if unresolved feelings from our past are coming up, we will react more sensitive and respond more quickly than usual.
At the beginning of a relationship, boy and girl were not that sensitive however when come to unresolved feelings, they become different person. It only takes time for our past feelings to come out and when they do come out, we respond differently to our partners. If we manage to control this unresolved feeling, we could prevent 90 % of what is currently upsetting us and at the same increase our relationship to next level.
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